dazai… (2)

[pkkiai]

I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There’s no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it’s sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves—it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.
—Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

Dazai has a lot of quotes that resonate with me, but this one.... aughghh

this is exactly how it feels to lose all hope. you see the wonderful things that exist in the world, but you know that beauty isn't meant for you. you're a dull outsider looking in on a kaleidoscope of color..

I wish I didn't have MDD, but I wouldn't connect with my favorite art so deeply if I wasn’t so miserable lol. This is bittersweet, but I'm glad to have something to hold onto during a time where even the things I normally love feel unfulfilling. Happy escapism is fine, but finding comfort in raw, genuine portrayals of depression provides such a profound sense of solace and understanding that I can’t possibly obtain anywhere else. That relatability is something I value more than anything else during my depressive episodes. It’s nice to feel seen for once. People tend to patronize and sugarcoat clinical depression; they walk on eggshells when discussing heavier aspects of the disorder (like suicidal ideation, self harm..)

means a lot to see depression portrayed in a raw, genuine light